Why did God let Mom die?
18th November 2004
It is now almost six years since Mom died. I still remember it like it was yesterday. The last eighteen or twenty-four months of Mom’s life had been almost rather "routine." She would be admitted to the hospital every six to eight weeks or so. She had suffered from not one, not two, or even three or four, diseases. She was diabetic. We found out that she was only ever born with one kidney when it failed. She was also diagnosed with high blood pressure and had angina. Then a few years later she was diagnosed with breast cancer. Poor Mom! She suffered so much for so many years. And in those seven or eight final years that she was on dialysis for her renal failure, and Dad had to care for her, I saw Dad aged twice as fast and saw Mom shrunk into just mere flesh and bones.
Those last few months were the hardest. Dad would call me to tell me that Mom was finding it hard to breathe or that she was shivering or some other complaint. The first couple of times, there was real panic in his voice. Later on, I would find out that she would have been complaining for several hours before they would even call. I had to urge them to call immediately in the future, but still they would be reluctant to "bother me."
Anyway, he would finally call me. I still remember that first time. It was past two o’clock in the morning. The phone rang and Dad’s voice was trembling. "Son, Mom needs help." He said simply. I calmed him down, and said I will be there right away. When I hung up the phone, I rang for the ambulance. By the time I arrived (which was only a mere fifteen minutes away), the paramedics were already getting Mom into the ambulance and driving away. I would then help dad to pack a few things and drive him to the hospital. Mom would be admitted to the hospital for several weeks and then she would be discharged. Soon, this was going to repeat itself several times over the next two years. I don’t know why Dad didn’t dial for the ambulance, but perhaps he just wanted me to be around and wanted my involvement and I was happy to do so.
So, when on Christmas eve, 1998, Dad called, I thought it was no different. In fact while Mom was still in the hospital I even went away on a business trip. I remember coming back and was surprised that she was still in the hospital. While I was away, my wife had to make the toughest decision because Dad was not able to make it. Her toes were gangrened because of diabetic complications. The doctor advised that they would have to amputate the foot. Mom was in so much pain, so my wife had to agree that would be best. After the amputation Mom’s condition took a dive.
Unlike before when they amputated her gangrened fingers, this time she did not recover as quickly. When the doctors arranged to meet with the family members, I did not realize how serious it was. The doctors told us that Mom was not going to get any better, that the dialysis drip was keeping her alive, and we need to make the decision whether or not to continue having her on the drip. Those words did not really register in my mind. Even when I read her medical report, with the words, "Final stage renal failure" written on top, it still did not really hit home. When finally the hospital assigned a social worker to talk to the family about loss, I still did not think it would happen so quickly.
The next couple of weeks were just a haze to me. She was also put on a morphine drip because of the pain. Sometimes when the family is around, they would reduce the morphine drip for Mom to regain consciousness and speak to us. Even then I was still assuming that Mom’s condition would one day improve and she would be able to return home, just like before. Finally, I realized that Mom was really going. By then she was already in a coma. Those last few days were the most difficult. We did not really have a chance to properly say goodbye. Her only sister managed to come over from Malaysia in the very last minute. But by then Mom was in a very deep morphine induced coma. A week before then, we could reduce the morphine drip and Mom could wake up enough to communicate briefly with the family. But by the time Auntie came over to see her own sister for the last time, there was just no way to bring mom back. When they reduced the morphine, Mom would regain consciousness slightly only enough to be moaning and groaning in so much pain and anguish that we had to ask the nurse to resume the drip. We were so distraught.
I had been praying all throughout the time for God to intervene. For God to give me "one more year." Please God. I called the church prayer team to pray along with us. However, within days, Mom’s condition deteriorated. We kept a virgil over her. But some days we would be so tired, and a missionary nurse who is also a friend of the family would help us keep Mom company. During one of these days, Mom awoke briefly for her to talk to Mom. Apparently she was able to invite Mom to receive Christ into her heart. When she told us we were overjoyed. We asked a Cantonese speaking pastor to come and baptize Mom. But again by the time the pastor came, Mom did not awake from her coma. Although when we called to her and asked her to blink her eyes, she did, after that when the pastor spoke to Mom and asked if she would like to accept Christ and be baptized, she did not move her eyes. We don’t really know whether she could hear us or she was just being unwilling and obstinate. And she can be so!
One of the most vivid memories I have was a few weeks prior to that, when Mom was drifting in and out of her morphine induced coma. I was at the bedside. Suddenly Mom drifted back to consciousness and she was as usual in a lot of pain. I could see panic in her eyes. It was as if she knew that she was going to die and she was terrified. She reached out her hands to grab a hold of my forearm. She cried, "Son, please save me! Help! Save me!" I was in deep, desperate anguish. I wanted to tell Mom that Jesus will save her. I wanted to tell her that Jesus will wipe away her tears. I wanted to tell Mom not to be scared. But all I could manage was cry. I was speechless. I was not able to say anything. Nothing. The nurses intervened and increased Mom’s morphine dosage and she drifted back to her coma.
As I drove from the hospital, I cried. Out loud. I screamed. On top of my voice. I hit the streeing wheel. I punched the dashboard. I asked God to take Mom’s pain away. To spare her life. I even bargained with God.
"Cut my life short in exchange for an extension of Mom’s life. Please!" I cried. I sobbed. I yelled. I screamed.
It seemed to no avail. For within two weeks, she slipped into eternity. I remember that we had kept a vigil for several days. We were all so tired. One night the entire family decided to just go back to sleep on our own beds. We were resigned, exhausted, and we have cried until there were no more tears any longer. We decided to go home to sleep to return again the next day to continue our vigil.
It was past midnight when we got home. The phone rang about six in the morning. Mom passed on shortly before then. It was as if she knew. I did not know how to feel, what to say, or even to cry. I felt disappointed and dejected that I wasn’t there, but then I was also exhausted. I was resigned, defeated, and despondent. Mom was finally gone. She didn’t even say goodbye. I wasn’t really ready for that to happen. Not quite yet. I still feel the acute pain of the loss today.
Popularity: 5% [?]
November 18th, 2004 at 7:31 am
I lost my mom on July 8, 2001. The last couple of years of her life were very much like your mom’s — lots of pain from cancer, slow descent, etc. My mom was a Christian, but that didn’t make letting her go any easier for me sometimes. I miss her as much today as you do your mom. I tell myself I’m just happy my mom wasn’t around to see 9/11 and everything that’s happened to the world since then. I hope your mom did indeed make that decision to receive Christ in her final days. I hope I’ll get a chance to meet her one day! And I pray that God will help heal you in some small way, too. Thanks for sharing what I’m sure was a very painful thing to write. I’m sure many people can relate…
November 18th, 2004 at 9:11 am
I found your blog through blog explosion and I have thoroughly enjoyed reading it! I’m a Christian myself and I always like reading about what other people gather from the Bible. Later!
November 18th, 2004 at 10:13 am
I lost my mom June 26th 2003 and so I know the pain you are in. I have flashbacks everyday of her last days. Thanks for being so open. I know it’s far from easy. You will be in my thoughts.
November 18th, 2004 at 9:41 pm
Another chord struck. My Mom passed away on July 27th 2001, about two weeks before I was scheduled for my next trip out to see here (we live across country). She’d been in failing health and was in residential care, but still, the shock of something that was inevitable hit me to the core.
Thanks for the well written piece, and thanks for reminding me to think of my Mom this evening. It happens pretty often, and it’s a gift almost every time.
November 18th, 2004 at 11:26 pm
Hi.
Came by way of BE, deeply moved. Also hoping you could maybe help another blogger, one I have been following for a few months (actually, I have been following her mother). She could use some of your understanding, I think.
http://www.punkintoes.blogspot.com
Keep up the good writing, you are in my thoughts.
November 19th, 2004 at 7:11 pm
I’m so very sorry for your loss. You’re in my thoughts.
November 19th, 2004 at 9:01 pm
I lost my Mother in June of this year from a fast acting lung virus. She went down hill fast, it only took 18 months and nothing helped. My Dad refused to make the decision, leaving it up to my sisters and me. That is the hardest thing we ever did. This Christmas will be rough, it’s the first one without her, it would have been her and Dad’s 50th anniversary, and it was her favoriate hoiday.
November 20th, 2004 at 2:25 am
Very moving story. I’m sitting here crying because of the death of a person I never even knew of until a few minutes ago. I remember how horrible it was to lose my grandmother, I hope I will get to keep my parents for MANY years yet.
November 20th, 2004 at 2:38 pm
Thanks to all who have left a comment here. I appreciate your thoughts. It was good therapy for me to relive those last few moments. I cried again. This past week, Dad told me he is finally going to sell the house. I saw the photos of the home on the realtor’s website, and I could see Mom in every photo. Tears welled up in my eyes again as I looked at the photo of the kitchen. I could only see the image of a well-worn out woman, ravaged by diseases, still trying to cook a meal for her beloved family.
November 22nd, 2004 at 1:39 am
I’m so sorry about your mother. I also hope that she accepted Christ in her final conscious moments. I have not lost anyone very close to me, but last month, a friend of mine lost her fiancee. They were to be married this weekend.
She asked a lot of the same questions about why didn’t God intervene and why was he taken now? Why not next year instead? I didn’t have any answers then and I don’t know that I will ever have any answers. I don’t know if the pain will ever really go away, but I hope you find some measure of peace.
November 24th, 2004 at 8:25 pm
Thanks Rene for your kind words and wishes. I am healing from the loss, but I guess once you have lost someone you love, or even someone close to you, you will always miss that person.
August 12th, 2006 at 8:16 pm
MY mom died in april at the age of 73 in sort of good health , I moved to Az last year and I think It was to much for her even though she has 9 kids but I,m her baby girl… I cant get over her death .. you see my dad died in july 2002 and im only 45 years old I will be 46 august 20, my dad august 21 my mom august 24, I fill so alone,I just want them back…. I keep praying to god but no luck….
January 17th, 2007 at 2:30 am
reading this brought me to tears, in recollection of my own mother’s death of cancer, in 1998 when I was 12 years old.
February 19th, 2008 at 1:21 am
I found your blog by typing in “Why did Mom die?” and there you were. My Mom passed away last month, on January 6th. She stubbornly went into the hospital for tests on Dec. 14th and right around Christmas we found out that she had Pancreotic Cancer; a very relentless disease. My sister and I made the emergency flight home on the 3rd of January in time to say good-bye. My Mom was the most devout believer I have ever known. Her faith was unshakable, and her answer to everything was “to pray.” But in those last hours, when she knew that she realized what was happening, she too was scared and asked for help and said she didn’t want to die. At the same time, we would pray with her in her conscious moments and she would join us. When the pain became too great, she too had to be put on morphine. Saddly, as we increased the dose, she was not able to speak anymore, but we knew she could hear us. Our friend said that one of the last things to go is the hearing, so we talked to her and held her hand and said everything we had to say. Your Mom heard you too. She knew that God was there for her, but like anyone, we are afraid of the unknown, afraid to leave our family and the ones we love. Thank You for writing your story and for making me feel not so alone. My father died when I was eighteen, Mom was all I had left other than my family. I have spent this past month or so being angry, frustrated, and crying at almost anything. I miss her so much, there is no one you love as you love your Mother. May God Bless You for reaching out and helping those of us who need a bit of healing.
February 21st, 2008 at 2:31 pm
HI,I JUST NEED TO TALK !!!!!!!! I WILL EXPLAIN WHEN YOU EMAIL ME, OK GOD BLESS, VICKI @–>>– )I(
March 25th, 2008 at 3:15 pm
I also found this blog by typing in why did my mom die in a search engine. My mom died March 15 of this year. We have been on the roller coaster ride of hope and dispair for four months. And yet, still it came as a shock and horrific loss. How do we go on with out Mom and will we constantly question the health care decisions we made for her even though it was with her. Will time lessen the grief as everyone says…..
April 8th, 2008 at 1:38 am
This is a touching story and much like mine. When i was 14 my mum fell into a coma over the christmas period due to cancer and other complications that came along side it. It hurt that i never had a chance to say goodbye because i had gone to visit a friend when she fell into the coma. after a vry long week, she passed away. I sat and held her hand as i watched her die, and at the age of 14 when i was so dependant on her, i didnt even want to let her go. I couldnt face life without her and i really didnt know how i was going to live now. But i have and i can say im a happy person.
I can relate to everything you have said, and as a Christian I was praying the same things with my church and family. It was hard at first but i soon found peace with the Lord and knew that everything was in his hands. He didnt kill my mum. We all have to go one day and i belive we wont go back home to heaven until the time is right.
Its hard living without a mother, but find it easier to put God in the place my mum was. Whenever i felt like i needed my mums guidance or help, i would seek the Lord in her place. I can truely say that i have been freed from the grief of loosing my mum and my relationship with God is on a completely new level. But 2 years on I can say that time does heal and so does Jesus. Thinking about my mum is still sad but it doesn’t sting like it did in the first few months/year.
I really encourage you to spend extra time with the Lord during your grief, he gave you life to be happy and free and he will wipe away every tear. He is or comforter and can also be our mother when we want him to be.
Blessings x
May 7th, 2008 at 6:51 am
My mother died of breast cancer on 1/18 of this year, 2008. My mom was the strongest and most amazing Christian lady I have ever known. She was actively involved with a powerful church and hundreds of powerful Christian people. There were thousands of people in constant prayer for her healing.
It never came. She suffered greatly, and she died. She never got to say good bye, she just layed there in bed with dry open eyes and a blank expression. She weighed less than 90 pounds and you could see the brain tumors poking at her bald head and the tumors poking from her breast into her shirt. She was 57 and was absolutely beautiful. She had a loving husband, 2 loving daughters (1 of which was due in 2 weeks to have her first Grandchild) and a loving 19 year old son (me).
I have been reading the comments on this post. This just baffles me. How can someone keep there faith in God and in Jesus after something like this? Why would you not question it’s authenticity? Can anyone give me any reason to believe the Christian faith that my mom so diligently pounded into me my entire life? It seems insane, and I need serious help. To say I am bitter is an understatement.
-Robert
May 26th, 2008 at 7:07 pm
Hi to All,
I find myself in the same boat as everyone that has e-mailed above. My mother died on May 6th, 2008 of a brain tumor. I prayed and others prayed until my brain hurt. I too bargained with God to give my mom more time but I felt like God told me that it was time for mom to come home. I asked God if He would just allow me to see what plan he had that would call my mom home and crush my heart to a bloody mess. I again seemed to get the answer that for now I was not to know how everything would come into play.
Here I am in anguish and utter disbelief that my savior would do this to me but I have asked God for signs to let me know that mom was ok and that it would be alright and I believe I have received those signs. Here’s what I believe to be the miracle.
I woke up one morning and was already to go to work and felt like I should go in the backyard and look up in the sky. I thought well this is how the Lord will let me know that mom is ok. I starred up in the sky and after about 5 minutes, nothing. I started crying and said God is not going to answer me for now. Well as I stepped through the sliding glass door a thought went through my mind; your sign will come when you are not ready to see it. That didn’t help me very much for that day so I cried myself to work.
It was in the afternoon on a hot day when I was fertilizing some citrus trees for one of our customers and I looked up in the sky and saw a bird that was intensely white, maybe a dove. Well I knew the significance of a dove and thought wow this is the sign. Then there were two other intensely white birds (doves?) and they flew about 50 feet over my head for about a minute and then flew away. Well I tend to be a doubter so I said in my mind, God if this is the sign that you are using to let me know that mom is ok, have the birds come back and sure enough the birds came back. There were three of them which I thought represented the Father, Son and Holy Ghost. I didn’t want to take my eyes off of them as they started leaving again so I kept walking to keep eye contact on them.
In the meantime the hose I was using to water the citrus started overflowing the container; so I had to run back and put the hose to the next tree. By the time I had ran back the birds were gone. I said thank you God for hearing my prayer and letting me know that mom was ok and that life would be ok.
I know this story doesn’t take away my grief, sorrow, and pain but I do know beyond a shadow of any doubt that there is a Heavenly Father that does love us and wants everyone to receive the gift of salvation through Jesus Christ.
I loved my mom, Janet Walcott, more than life itself and I still cannot come to terms with her death but I know she is in heaven talking with Jesus all of the saints and friends and one day I will see her again.
My faith has been shaken by this horrible thing but I will never know how strong my faith is until it is tried by fire. All of these things that happen down here are a test to me to see if I will stay close to Jesus.
The Bible is clear that Jesus took the keys of death and while our bodies will die, our spirits will go on.
Don’t loose hope Robert. God loves you and I can’t understand why your mom died because I can’t understand why my mom died but I know and have seen the times when God has reached across the supernatural to the natural to show His love. Ask God to show Himself to you and I will promise you that He will.
God’s Love to all as we grieve together during this time.
Ron