While driving to work today, I was reflecting on my pastor’s sermon at church yesterday. He preached from Luke 5:25-32, and from that passage, he drew from the experiences of Jesus to apply to our lives today. He said that we must stay focus on the mission of our church which is simply to go out (Jesus left the town…where He had just performed a miracle, he did not stop to bask in the glory of that event, but went out of his way, v. 27a) of our way-get out of our comfort zone-to see (Jesus saw a tax collector, one of the outcasts of the then society, v. 27b) the misfits (the needy, the disenfranchized, the powerless, those not able to repay, etc) out there in society, and share (Jesus dined-partied-with Levi, v. 30) life-be real, be honest & vulnerable, be there with and for them-transparently in an authentic manner with them. In the process, we need to embrace total, reckless abandon to God’s sovereign control, to celebrating life and to intentionally seeking out the unwell, and the hurting around us to touch their lives with God’s healing balm.

As my pastor spoke, I had a familiar warmth inside me. I was saying, Yeah! I like that! That’s what I am about! I can connect with that! I want to abandon myself to God’s total care and to dare to trust Him to use me to seek the misfits, the hurting, the disenfranchized and the unlikely, unsuspecting in order to let His Spirit work in them through me.

Yet, within a few short minutes at my desk, and my feathers were ruffled, and I was shaken senseless. The e-mails from my boss, the crises that she created and fires she started for me to put out, all of a sudden it seems such a tall order for me to fulfill God’s purposes in my office, in my work and in my life! In fact, I reacted badly to my boss’ belittling e-mails, and her overbearingly selfish, soul-destroying tones in the way she (1) undermines the quality of work we have done as not up to par (2) that she is the only one who knows how to serve the customer aright and (3) we must acknowledge our total helplessness, unworthiness to have the privilege to work under her as our mentor, supervisor and manager. She sounds incredible doesn’t she? Believe me, you haven’t met another boss like this! I was totally taken aback on my first day of work when she assigned me to a project, and upon sitting down at the computer I found that it did not have Microsoft Office installed. I promptly sought out one of the IS department staff members and found a copy of Microsoft Office to install on this computer. When she found out what I had done, she gave me a public lecture about software licensing, proper protocol and procedures etc etc for about fifteen mintues. And, that is about one of the shortest lectures I have experienced since. I’m telling you! She is The Boss from That Other Place Beyond the Great Chasm!

At lunchtime today, I once again reflected what my pastor spoke about yesterday. In his sermon, he punctuated the points throughout with the question, “What about you?” Yeah, what about me? I was totally ashamed of my immature reactions to my boss’ antics this morning. I once again reminded myself that it really isn’t my issue. It is hers. She must have had some past experiences that caused her utter mistrust of others, and almost insane desire to be exalted high above everyone else around her, even to the detriment of the morale of her own team thereby hurting herself indirectly. So, I will protect her from doing that. Since I have tried confrontations which made things worse, or even tried to reasoning which ends up in me being totally exhausted and her having more justifications why she must continue to do the things she does, etc. The next best thing is to learn to roll with the punches, but to be a positive influence both to her and to the people around her, that is the team. Instead of succumbing to the negative influences that her belittling and her harsh tones can sometimes do to me, I will let God’s Spirit work in me and through my life to bring peace, healing and blessing to the entire work place and the team. I will let God work His life through me and be transformed by Him to empower those around me so that we are lifted up and not torn down. So I choose to be God’s transformation agent in the place that I find myself.

Frankly, I would rather be somewhere else doing the “transformation” thing. It would be so much easier to work in a less hostile environment, and be in “transformation” with other Christians, singing happy songs, and doing “spiritual” work. Somehow being in this apparent “hellhole” can be very demeaning, and transformation can look distastefully ugly or even unimaginably impossible. Yet God has called me to be the tranformation agent right here, first beginning with who I am, and then translating to how I respond to the trials, stresses and the chaotic work environment around me and onto the spheres of influence that I have the opportunity to impact. I may not even get to see any of my colleagues “converted” (in the conventional) as a result, but all he wants from me is to be faithful to being instrumental for them to feel the touch of the hand of God or catch a glimpse of His grace, mercy and love through what we go through together as a community of people at work together. That’s all my Lord has called me to be and I pray that by His grace I can live up to that high calling.

My colleague sent me the story below as one that is applicable to our boss:

http://www.ocregister.com/ocr/2004/09/13/sections/business/business/article_236830.php

In “Brutal Bosses and Their Prey�? (1996, Riverhead Books), Harvey Hornstein identifies six types of bad bosses: Conquerors (classic schoolyard bullies) – They’re concerned with power. Make you feel small. Expect you to genuflect or, at the very least, kiss their rings. Performers (constantly threatened bullies) – They attack anyone who seems to be competitive. This type of boss puts negative comments in your personnel file without telling you. Manipulators (take-credit-for-your-ideas bullies) – They smear you. Take credit for your ideas. Blame their failures on you. Dehumanizers (people-are-numbers bullies) – They treat you like a robot because it’s easier to abuse a thing than a person.Blamers (you-deserved-it bullies) – When they reprimand you, they take comfort in the fiction that you deserved what happened to you.Rationalizers (abuse-for-a-greater-cause bullies) – They vilify you supposedly for your own good. Or for the company’s.

As I read the above, I checked off every one of the descriptors as applicable to our boss. It’s true, she belongs to every single category and perhaps more! But why don’t I leave you ask? At the moment, my work visa is tied down to this company and I am working on my GC. As soon as that is approved, I will have options. For now, I am learning a lot of humbling lessons about turning the other cheek. Pity I only have two. But, I am also learning what it means to be a blessing to unlikely and unsuspecting people.

A few days ago I was reflecting on depression, and lately I have been feeling it. I just can’t help it… I just have been feeling really down the past few days. I can’t put my finger on the cause, but my psychiatrist did warn me that depression will take hold every now and then like a pendulum swing. I have been feeling quite well… until this weekend. It must have been the stress, I just don’t know. The job, the amount of work, the boss, the visas (I have just begun my application for the Green Card), my daughter, the memories and the lingering pain, it all adds up.

It is now almost a year ago when I first started the counseling session. At about that time, my oldest daughter, then a college freshman, had declared her independence from God in her life, and decided to move out of the house. This, after months of fighting with us about her staying late night outs with boy friends, working at a bar, and not paying attention to school. My second daughter then a high school freshman, were having problems with friends (her complaint: she doesn’t have friends at school and church). After several tumultuous months of fighting and loud disagreements, where there were much screaming and yelling between the two of us, I finally give in and accepted that it is best to not force her to attend youth group. The yelling sessions did not stop immediately though. My wife was concerned about my mood swings. The problem was intensified that it appears that the downswings of my moods appears to coincide with the monthly hormonal swings of my daughter’s. Fearing that my children will leave God one at a time and that the harder I try the worse I seemed to make it, I made the appointment to see the counselor. Fortunately, we were able to find a Christian counselor at the Center for Hope and Healing who was willing to accept reduced fees for the sessions. The sessions helped almost immediately. At about the same time, I started reading Feeling Good-by David Burns.

My counselor had told me that it will get ugly for me before healing comes. In fact, when she first indicated that I should be evaluated for bipolar syndrome, I was in disbelief (or denial?), but dutifully agreed to make an appointment with the psychiatrist to be evaluated. However, I was quite sure I would come out in the clear. I was pretty sure that my “depression” was circumstantial or caused by life events, and not caused by a disease. I took a self-check depression test found in Feeling Good, and scored 37 (out of 100)- “moderate depression”. Thinking that is within the normal range of most people, I made copies of the test and passed them along to my colleagues to also take the test. I was rather stunned when their scores were between ‘2′ and ‘7′ - in the range of ‘not depressed’. More surprises awaited me.

At my appointment with the psychiatrist I was astounded that the evaluation consisted entirely of a question and answer session. I was under the impression that it would be involve some form of “scientific” measurement of serotonin levels using electrodes, or brain scans! Don’t laugh, I was seriously thinking that would be the case! Anyway, the good doctor concluded after our little interview that I am “clinically depressed” and maybe “borderline” biplor. Further evaluations were needed he said. He immediately put me on Wellbutrin.

The first three weeks, I did not feel anything different. About the third week onwards, the Wellbutrin started to kick in, and I could feel a marked different. My mood swings getting lesser, and I thought I was really getting better.

Then the headaches started. My head was feeling really tight, pressurized. Often I felt like wanting to unscrew my head if I could to relieve the pressure. I called the psychiatrist. But he was having his annual vacation! I decided to stop taking Wellbutrin. My next appointment was not until a couple of weeks, and I did not want to call him anymore because I was afraid that he would ask me to start on the Wellbutrin again!

When I next saw the doctor, he prescribed Lexapro. This time it seems to be much better. For the past two months, I have been on Lexapro and it seems that I have improved. I haven’t had any severe mood swings. In fact, my relationship with both my daughters have improved tremendously. The counseling sessions have also been able to help me to deal with my flashbacks, and helped me to deal with my anger and sadness. As I said, the past few weeks, I have been progressively improving in my moods, my ability to think better and more clearly and relationships with my daughters, wife and other children have truly improved. Even at work, I have been able to deflect my boss’s unfair treatments as “not my issues” and been able to instead respond in praying for her!

Yet, this entire weekend, I have this uneasy, sinking feeling. A Psalm 42, 43 type of feeling. Wait! Didn’t the Psalmist say “I will yet praise Him…?” I guess it is an act of the will. Not an emotional response, but a willing conscious decision to worship the God who uplifts.